musicmadnis

Unique dates are intriguing.

Happy holiday.

I'm a fucking mess.
I'm twelve hours behind a deadline.
Not a single word typed. 
My head is not in this fucking bullshit assignment.
I don't know why I'm so fucking miserable.
I'm screwing up like there's no fucking tomorrow.
4.6 can kiss that the fuck away.
Fuck me.

Goodbye Summer, it was nice knowing you.

This is where I am...hiding:

- School is into it's fourth day. The workload is slowly but surely piling up. Readings are the new black. And I have a mammoth task ahead. 4.6 is the new 23.

- Done with my tenure as the Original Music Society Vice-President. I did...nothing, if I am being honest with myself. I remain a writer with the society.

- Added more jobs for my writing portfolio with the Office of Student Affairs quarterly magazine. I have no idea what I'm going to be writing. I fear I may have to attend lame NUS activities like Rag and Flag Day. (Now what did I get myself into?)

- Figuring out my personal writing portfolio as a writer. My music blog is officially dead. I need to develop a sustainable writing plan.

- Part of the Radio Pulze's Live Lounge Committee. I'm in-charge of bringing the bands I love to play a gig in NUS. The going has been tough but I love what I do.

- Midway through the hockey season. My legs are sore and I can feel my non-existent ass. But I'll keep running for a few more weeks.

- Playing in two bands. It's fun but strangely, I'm feeling more pressure than the enjoyment itself. It's like there's an expectation of me to deliver and expectations suck. But I love the guys I play with and will have to get my shit together.

- Still working at Gramophone on weekends for too little pay. My head says quit, my heart says no. 

I am awake 20 hours a day working. I'm tired all the time. But I do it because if I stop even for a second, I feel. And God knows how I feel right now, and I can't have that. Feelings can wait. Anger, grief, happiness, these things need to be placed in the "for later" space. I need to keep moving in this perpetual haze of fatigue and purpose. It is the only way.

I've skipped out many bukas with my family and friends as a result. I have decided to skip Hari Raya outings with friends this year. And I've turned down two separate invitations from friends and my brother to do something for my birthday. I know I'm disappointing a couple of people at the moment but I'm not in the mood. Sorry is all I offer.

This is my plate. My plate is designed around the fear of feelings.

Headlight. We think of these things when it comes to deer.
The road kills. No, man kills. The road is just a place.
This place doesn't feel right. What did you say, my dear?
There is a carcass over there. Drunk and caved to a space.
No ma'am, the investigation is ongoing and we have no leads.
The sun's out. Farmers are out burning backs and sowing seeds.
There is the problem, there is no resolution here.
There is a winding road, there is dead deer.

Stop! Just stop!

You derive strength from others. You believe that within yourself is a pile of garbage. You are tired of feeling lousy. This is because you don't have the confidence. You continue to berate yourself for not being of any worth. Where does this lack of self-respect stem from?

Stop! Just stop!

No one will ever like you.

End.